I’ll be honest with you—there was a time when I’d walk into a room, see people chatting effortlessly, and feel a little left out. You know those people who just seem to connect with everyone? I used to think they were just born with that kind of charm. It took me a while to realize, it’s actually something you can learn. And if there’s one book that really opened my eyes to this, it’s Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I first came across this book after hearing someone I looked up to mention it in a podcast. At first, I was skeptical—how could a book written nearly a century ago possibly help me in today’s world? But a few pages in, I felt like Carnegie was speaking directly to the awkward, sometimes-too-blunt version of myself I’d been for years. If you’ve ever felt the same—maybe wishing you could make friends more easily or have a little more influence at work—you’re not alone.
What surprised me most was how timeless these lessons are. In fact, I started noticing small changes in my daily life as soon as I tried out just a few of his ideas. Let me share some of the most powerful lessons, along with my personal take on how you can make them work in your own life.
1. Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
Let’s be honest: it’s really easy to point out what others are doing wrong. But every time I’ve done that, I noticed people would just shut down or get defensive. Carnegie says that instead of criticizing, try to understand where the other person is coming from. The difference it makes is huge.
Real-life example:
Last year, a coworker messed up an important report. My first instinct was to call him out, but I caught myself. Instead, I asked if everything was okay and offered to help fix it together. Not only did we sort it out quickly, but he actually started coming to me for advice after that. It felt good to be trusted.
2. Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
There’s a big difference between flattery and genuine appreciation. People know when you’re being real. Whenever I remember to thank someone specifically for something they did, it actually brightens their day—and it makes me feel good too.
Try this:
The next time a friend helps you out or a colleague puts in extra effort, let them know exactly what you appreciate. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; even a simple “I noticed how carefully you handled that call” goes a long way.
3. Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
This one took me a while to really “get.” The trick to influencing others isn’t about convincing them you’re right; it’s about showing them how your idea benefits them.
Practical tip:
Instead of saying, “I need your help with this project,” try “If we work on this together, it’ll make both our jobs easier.” When people see what’s in it for them, they’re a lot more interested.
4. Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
One thing I learned—people love to talk about themselves, but they also know when someone is truly listening. Ask about what they care about, and actually listen to their answer.
Personal moment:
I once met someone at a networking event, and instead of talking about myself, I just asked her about her recent hiking trip. She opened up, and before I knew it, we’d made a real connection—and a friendship that’s still going strong.
5. Smile
It sounds simple, but it really does work. A smile can change the tone of an entire conversation. Even on days I’m not feeling it, I remind myself to smile at people. The effect is almost instant—walls come down, and people are more willing to engage.
6. Remember That a Person’s Name Is to That Person the Sweetest Sound
I used to be terrible at remembering names, but I’ve learned how powerful it is. Using someone’s name in conversation shows you value them. Now, I always make an effort to remember—and use—names when I can.
7. Be a Good Listener and Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves
One of the best pieces of advice from the book: be the kind of listener you wish others would be for you. Instead of waiting for my turn to speak, I try to really focus on what the other person is saying. I’ve noticed people appreciate it, and they open up more.
8. Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
If you want to build a bond quickly, find out what excites the other person. Maybe it’s cricket, traveling, or photography—whatever it is, take an interest.
Example:
A client once mentioned she loved gardening. I asked about her favorite plants, and that small conversation actually led to a better business relationship. It’s the little things.
9. Make the Other Person Feel Important—Sincerely
Everyone wants to feel important, and a genuine compliment can make someone’s day. I try to look for something real to praise in others, whether it’s their dedication, creativity, or sense of humor.
10. Avoid Arguments and Respect Opinions
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that arguing rarely changes minds. Even if you disagree, showing respect for the other person’s view keeps the conversation positive and productive.
11. Admit Your Mistakes Quickly and Emphatically
Nobody’s perfect—I certainly am not. When I mess up, I’ve found it’s better to own up fast. People respect honesty, and it actually builds trust.
12. Begin in a Friendly Way
Starting conversations on a friendly note lowers defenses and opens the door for real dialogue. A warm greeting or a kind word at the start really does make a difference.
13. Get the Other Person Saying “Yes” Early
If you can find common ground early in a conversation, things go a lot smoother. Even small agreements help build momentum toward bigger ones.
14. Let the Other Person Do Most of the Talking
I used to dominate conversations without realizing it. Now, I try to let others share more—it makes them feel heard, and I learn a lot in the process.
15. Let the Other Person Feel the Idea Is Theirs
When people feel ownership of an idea, they support it more. Instead of dictating solutions, I like to ask questions that help others arrive at the answer themselves.
16. Lead with Praise, Then Gently Offer Suggestions
Nobody likes being told they’re wrong. If I need to give feedback, I always start by highlighting what the other person did well. Then, I offer suggestions for improvement gently, so they don’t feel embarrassed.
Think and Grow Rich Synopsis: Discover Napoleon Hill’s Trade Secret for Achievement
Final Thoughts
Looking back, the biggest thing I’ve learned from Carnegie’s book is that relationships are built one small, intentional choice at a time. You don’t have to be naturally outgoing or charismatic to make friends and influence people—you just have to care enough to listen, respect others, and take an interest in their lives.
If you’re curious to dive deeper, I’d definitely recommend grabbing a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. Honestly, it’s a book I revisit whenever I feel stuck in my relationships or just need a little reminder of what really matters. You can check out my affiliate link here if you want to support this blog (I only recommend it because it’s truly helped me).
I’d love to hear your experiences too—have you tried any of these principles before? What’s worked (or not worked) for you? Drop your thoughts in the comments, and if you want more in-depth breakdowns or practical tips, be sure to subscribe or check out the full video summary on BookLume. Building better relationships starts with one conversation, one choice, and one small step at a time.